Trying to Be Completely Un-Fucked Can Fuck You Up

When you are really fucked-up, getting un-fucked has a lot of pay-off. When you are not really that fucked up at all, trying to get completely un-fucked may fuck you up.

Sometimes, a random embarrassment from my past floats into my mind, and I internally cringe, feel my internal organs tighten up. Maybe even a cringing expression floats across my face.

Sometimes, this occurs randomly and is apparently content free, unable to be linked to any particular event of the past. Perhaps it is an involuntary reminiscence of cringing, and who knows the cause? I might even find myself muttering a self-deprecation under my breath.

What do I do about this?

Nothing.

Well, maybe take a moment to appreciate my own experience of cringing, how the body can do that! Funny thing is, if you can openly enjoy your misery, you can’t really be that unhappy about it!

When you are really fucked-up, getting un-fucked has a lot of pay-off. When you are not really that fucked up at all, perhaps merely suffering from slight lingering traces of past fucked-up-ness, trying to get un-fucked may have very little pay-off, and, even worse, may become its own way of being fucked up. A lot of shit arises and dissipates of its own accord. Trying to force the dissipation may create a view in which the shit is a *real problem*, as opposed to a transient burp in the universe.

I’ve lived on this earth a while. Stuff has happened. Sure, the body has a memory of past regrets, but if you can’t rest satisfied until every trace of unfortunate memory is erased from your body and mind, then you will never rest satisfied. Trying to be completely pure and free of all past unfortunate conditioned responses is another potential trap, a way of looking at yourself that prevents the perfect satisfaction that can only come with delighting in slight imperfection.

I can sincerely say that feeling like shit or like a bad human being doesn’t really impact my overall well-being these days. It’s just patterns of the body doing what they do. They can be allowed to just do their thing. They can be related to freely. This is the great secret: if you’re not unhappy about being unhappy, then space is open for great bliss to rush into the being. The physical contraction of the body and the mental contraction of the mind are experienced not as problem but as a mere situation.

An analogy: my vegetable garden can handle a few weeds. It really isn’t worth being a perfectionist about the weeds. In time they all die anyway. As long as there is not some terrible proliferation, live and let live.